I Don't Know if I Believe

So over the past few weeks or maybe months and this point I have been toiling with an issue that hits me hard in the chest. I wrote a page about this in my notebook and I guess that wasn't enough because I cannot stop thinking about it. I do not know if I believe. I do not know what has been knocking me around lately but I really don't know right now. I guess I can sum it down to three sentences.

I do not know if I believe in God.
I do believe in heaven.
I do believe in love and relationships.

Essentially that is what I have come down to. Now I know the heaven/God thing is weird but I believe there is an afterlife but I really do not know if I believe in the power of prayer and what not. I guess I am one of the few at a Christian college that are stuck in the middle.

A speaker came to chapel one time and he described four chairs. I will not go into great detail about every chair but I placed myself in the third chair at the time or the "have it, don't want it." As in I have faith but I do not want it anymore, I'm done with that. So I guess that happened. I don't really have faith anymore but now I am in chair two where I do not have it and I kind of want it. But let me emphasize the "kind of."

There is a difference between really wanting to be connected to God and maybe wanting to be connected. Am I afraid, I think so. I am afraid of what will happen if I do not make that connection. Tasha already has a great connection with him and to be frank I was really unaware of how deep that connection was until we got here. It really threw me and continues to do so. I just kind of feel out of the loop and rolling my eyes about a lot of stuff that happens here. For instance...

Tonight there was a variety show for the choir here. It was a fundraiser to raise money so they could go on a missions trip to Africa. Ok, good cause, I understand, yaddah yaddah... But when they prayed before the show I asked myself if it was really necessary. And another example is before a football game where they pre-game prayer really is "God, bless these kids while they ram really hard into each other, yell at one another, beat each other up, so they do not get hurt." Almost seems like they are just making it ok with God that they can hurt one another really.

I believe in love. I believe that Tasha and I will get married. I believe that our relationship will grow stronger and that we will always love each other. I believe that one day we will have kids. I know that she is number one in my life right now. Before anything I think of her. Always. When I get up, when I go to sleep, how she is coping with a test, what is she thinking about, does she think about me as often. Just that kind of stuff I think. And it goes beyond that obviously but really that's what it is. I love her. I know I do. And I know I always will.

Hold on... I had one of those moments where I typed like crazy and I still am. Umm... I can't think of the word. But I will say this.

I know I believe.
But I question why and for what reasons.